Inside The Radio Station
Hey: I Can't Find the Station!
Radio stations are generally located in one of two places:
….either in the middle of the busiest street in the closest metropolitan area to your home calculated so that there’s never parking and just trying to get out of your car would surely endanger your life OR…
….in the middle of a farm field next to a manure pit at least 60 miles away from where YOU live.
We do that for various reasons. Mainly, though, to thwart you from ever picking up prizes you win. Hey: do you know how much that stuff costs us? We simply can’t afford all these freebies! What do we look like? Freakin' Walmart? If we were a bank, maybe Timothy Geithner would be bailing us out. Unfortunately, the Federal Reserve has yet to come forward with a supply of t-shirts, CDs, and concert tickets!
So, the only sane thing a radio station can do is to HIDE in order to discourage YOU from finding us. We’ve even bribed some of the GPS manufacturers to eliminate our street numbers. Go ahead: just try to find us on Google Earth and you’ll soon see most radio stations are disguised as pawn shops. Bottom line: the less prizes you pick up, the more stuff we get to auction off on eBay.
Hey: Is That Cow Sizzling?
Radio stations often are in one place and the actual transmitter and radio tower are in another place. We do that because radio waves have been proven to destroy brain cells. How else can you explain some of the wack jobs, screw ups, and weirdos that get hired to be on the air?
Plus, many ranchers pay radio stations to place transmitters and towers on their farmland because few people know that AM and FM signals slow-cook the inside of cows and that permits ranchers to sell the cow directly to steak houses for a higher profit, thus avoiding that annoying trip to the slaughterhouse.
Hey: What's all That Crap?
Radio stations are often littered with the following items:
1 ½ donuts that are one-day old and still in the box (they will eventually be eaten by the morning man who will eat anything as long as it is not coated in more than one layer of leaded paint from China) Several signed posters by bands who visited the station but thought they were actually having dinner at a BenihanaA cat who lives outside and is not mentally balancedA sales cubicle farm that smells like Captain Morgan Spiced RumThe skeletal remains of an independent record company promoter who has been sitting in the lobby since 1999 hoping for a few moments with the Program Director about that follow up song by Harvey Danger
As you can see, radio stations are not exactly what you might have thought they were. But, then again – that’s why I created this series. Next time: "The Morning DJ."